Please, Just Let Me See You Again
by mydukelet42013
Summary: Miles' contemplating the past as he watches Rachel leave on her journey to the Tower. [Please read my earlier fanfic titled "Just Stay Alive" and "The Long Walk to the Tower" for background. Thanks. R&R are most welcome.]
1. Chapter 1

As Miles stood staring at Rachel's silhouette disappear into the dark of the night, he felt a bitterness encroaching in his gut telling him that he would not be as fortunate this third time, to see Rachel again, alive. He had made her promise to stay alive and vowed that he would find her no matter where she was. But in this day and age, with all that has happened, and is happening around them, he realized how unreasonable and how absurd such a request was. It was a miracle they were all still alive as it is.

He should have stopped her from leaving. Maybe that would give them the time they needed to reconcile and to heal. However he also knew Rachel, knew how strong-willed and determined she was, and that he would not have been able to stop her once she made up her mind.

Miles could not get the broken and fragmented look on Rachel's face out of his mind, as she turned that very last time to glance at Charlie and him before walking away with Aaron.

"How could this have happened to us these last 15, 20 years?" he asked himself. They were so happy together, once before, so full of hope and promise. Where did that all go? They had lost more than just power. They had lost a part of their humanity and their soul. Miles knew that Rachel had lived with lost and tragedy in her younger days, but when he first met her, that all seemed to be behind her. She was so full of life. In his mind he could still hear her laughter...


	2. Chapter 2

Rachel's laughter permeated the kitchen where she and Miles were. It was such a relief for Miles when Rachel confirmed that she and Ben just worked together and were just good friends. Miles had a great deal of love and respect for his brother, and would not have proceeded any further with Rachel if there had been anything more between them.

In that few hours of their first meeting, Miles and Rachel just talked, joked and laughed, ignoring all the other guests in the living and dining rooms. At the end of the evening, they agreed to meet for dinner the following night.

"Really, you want me to invite you in for coffee?" Rachel repeated. "Admit it," Rachel whispered, her lips just below Miles' ears, "it's not coffee that you are interested in."

Even before the front door could shut behind them, Miles' lips had descended upon Rachel's in a deep, passionate kiss. During the week ahead, Miles and Rachel could not seem to get enough of each other. Miles spent almost every waking hour, and non-waking hour for that matter, that Rachel was not at work with her.

He did feel a bit guilty as the purpose of his visit was to catch up with Ben. But after that first night with Rachel, the number of hours spent with his brother the rest of the week was less than that first day. And for at least half that time, Rachel was there with them.

Miles was pleasantly surprised at the deep friendship that Ben and Rachel shared. There was nothing sexual in nature, but they were very close, as close as Miles was to Bass. They were most animated when they talked about their work. Knowing how Rachel had lost her own brother in that tragic event while he was in the Navy, it was no wonder that Rachel had now bonded with Ben as a surrogate brother.

But Miles thought to himself – how could anyone not like Ben. Ben was always the kind and dependable one, the thoughtful, compassionate one who was always so caring and forgiving. How many times in their childhood had Ben taken the blame for a prank that Miles had played that had gone wrong? How many times did Ben slip a soda or a piece of candy to him when he was being punished? And how many times during Miles' difficult teenage years when Ben had just been there to listen and support his brother when he was angry and frustrated all the time? Ben never seemed to ask anything for himself. He always gave the other party the space to flourish, looking beyond the needs of the other person. Miles could not ask for a better brother.

After the first week with Rachel and Ben, Miles had to return to the oil rig in Texas to complete some work there. While he used to love the freedom work at the rig offered and the adrenalin rush that afforded, these few days back there felt as though he was stuck in a prison. It was not as if he had not been deprived of female companionship before. But he was deprived of Rachel's company, and that made him feel trapped in Texas. By the time he flew out of Houston, Miles had formed a prejudicial view of oil rigs and anything Texan.

Miles and Rachel spent the next three blissful and idyllic months together. Rachel even rented a little beach house in Tampa for a couple of weeks. Their relationship developed further during this time. Sometimes it felt like their desire and hunger could not be appeased until they were totally spent. Miles and Rachel shared memories of their childhood, their past history and experiences, the joy and pain they had experienced, and their hopes for the future. They were not all happy memories. Rachel was close to tears when she recapped her memories of her mother walking out on their family, and the deaths of her father and brother while in service for the United States. She had a deep resentment for the military.

So many times, Miles had seriously considered asking Rachel to marry him, but he still did not know how to broach the subject with Rachel that he had signed up for another tour with the Marines, and would be heading to Iraq in a few months' time. So he kept pushing that aside.

Although Miles and Rachel had a lot of fun enjoying time with each other windsurfing, cycling or hiking, or just spending a lazy day at the beach with a picnic basket, or skinny dipping at midnight in the Gulf of Mexico, it was the quiet of the night that Miles looked forward to the most – cuddling and curling up next to Rachel, making love to her, holding her. Their lovemaking, which was initially fierce and urgent, progressed to a sensual pace where each slowly explored the other to give the other the utmost pleasure.

When it was time to head back to the city, Rachel conveyed to Miles that these two weeks were the happiest she had ever been. He did not and could not deny that.


	3. Chapter 3

Finally at Ben's urging about two months' before Miles had to leave for Iraq, he brought the subject of his second tour up with Rachel. He recalled confessing his love for her, but sought her understanding that he had to do this. Miles was utterly distraught when Rachel was resolute and unwavering in her decision to break their relationship off. He felt like she never loved him in the first place. Miles had been totally open and vulnerable to Rachel these last few months. And in less than ten minutes she was ready to give all of that up, to give him up, without even batting an eye. Miles felt as though he had been punched in the gut.

Miles could not fathom why she would not sacrifice just 6 years for perhaps 60 years of happiness together with him. He so strongly felt they were meant to be together. Miles' whole world exploded when Rachel slammed the door at his face.

Even after that, Miles refused to give up on them. For the next two months before he was deployed, he tried to speak with Rachel numerous times. He called and left messages on her cellular phone, on her office and home phones. He sent her emails and wrote to her. However she refused to return any of his messages. He came by her house several times but she was never home.

Miles even sought Ben's help to persuade Rachel to hear him out. As the time got closer to his deployment, and nothing seemed to be working, Miles got more and more indignant and angry. He even started to begrudge Ben for his lack of support. The final straw for Miles came when he received Ben's and Rachel's wedding invitation a few months' later.

"My own brother would do this to me," Miles spat. "She was mine first," he kept repeating to himself. After all that he and Rachel had shared, after all that he had given of himself to her, she could just turn around and marry his brother in less than three months after their break-up.

The hatred within himself grew exponentially. Over time, Miles turned from a lighthearted, funny and cheerful guy to a spiteful, dark and vindictive person. He started drinking more, despised the world around him and created misery all around him. The only person he got closer to and allowed to get close to him during this time was Bass. However, Miles' personality also rubbed off Bass. Between the both of them, they formed a twisted view of the world that generated abhorrence for anything good and decent. The years of bitterness ate at him. And eventually the blackout only amplified the darkness in his heart.

Nevertheless, there were contradictions in Miles' life. Over the years, at the back of his mind, he was still not ready to sever all ties with his brother. Miles continued to hate Rachel vehemently, and although he and Ben were estranged, Miles still had a spark of affection for his brother. Ben had continued to reach out to his brother. Every year without fail, there was a birthday card and Christmas card in his post office mail box, which Miles continued to keep. Their mother had long been in a nursing home suffering from Alzheimer's. One day, Miles received a note from Ben in his mail box telling him that she had passed away. Her passing provided Miles and Ben the opportunity to reunite. Their meeting was bittersweet, but it was a start to rebuilding their tattered relationship. Rachel still stood between them and her name was never mentioned. It was better that way. Miles also got a chance to meet his niece and nephew when Rachel was away on business. Although he did not really know how to relate to them, he was somewhat surprised that he never resented them. The last time Miles' spoke to Ben was the few seconds before the power went out.


	4. Chapter 4

"I came, like you asked," Miles heard Rachel say.

As he turned around and walked out of the shadows, his heart skipped a beat. It had been over ten years since Miles last saw Rachel, and they had parted not in the best of circumstances. However, she still disturbed him like no other woman could. She had aged, but gracefully, and was still as arresting as ever, even in the drabby clothes she was in. As in the past, she did not need any frills to enhance her beauty. It was trying for Miles to keep his stern and expressionless face.

From past conversations with and between Rachel and Ben, Miles knew that Rachel held the key as to why the power went out. So, she would also probably know how to get the power back up again. If he and Bass could but get their hands on some form of electricity, it would change the entire playing field in their favor.

However, Miles still held so much resentment inside of him when it came to Rachel. It was worse now knowing that she was Ben's wife and would forever be out of his reach. But Miles never expected to have to struggle so much with his inner turmoil, especially having Rachel around in such close proximity. It felt like he was angry with Rachel all the time, and they could not have a rational, decent conversation with each other. Each time they interacted, he would hurl hateful words at her, and Rachel would retaliate, ending with hostility. In a way it was Miles' defense mechanism, as he still wanted Rachel so badly. And knowing that he could never have her again like before, ate at him. Being angry masked his physical ache. He also tried to escape it all with drink, violence and banging the loads of whores Bass constantly provided.

"I'm your brother's wife," Rachel screamed at Miles on one occasion. "Doesn't that mean anything to you? Don't you have one shred of decency left?" she cried.

"Decency!" Miles spat out. "You got married even before things got cold."

"You left. Ben was there for me," Rachel retorted.

"Damn you! You slammed the door in my face," Miles exclaimed furiously. He exploded, lost control and almost physically attacked Rachel.

However, after that one violent incident, Miles attitude softened towards Rachel. He was almost nice to her at times, although he also tried to stay away from her as far as possible. Rachel had repeatedly said that she did not know exactly what happened the night of the blackout, so she could not do as they asked. On the rare occasion when she could get a sentence through to Miles without him blowing up in her face, Rachel had begged him to release her and allow her to return to her kids and to Ben. The anger and resentment Miles had felt slowly dissipated, to be replaced by pain and loneliness. Sometimes, in his weakness, his mind would wonder back to the time he and Rachel spent at the beach house in Tampa. Miles knew he was in danger of falling for Rachel all over again.

Late one night he woke up startled. In his sleep he was back in Tampa making love to Rachel. Despondent with everything that had happened, Miles got out of bed and headed towards Rachel's bedroom. However, he just stood outside her bedroom for a few minutes and then headed back down the corridor. Miles passed the room Rachel used as her lab. He stepped in there and just stood there in the dark, inhaling what he imagined was her scent. He was about to leave when heard a soft sniffle. He walked towards the sound at the rear end of the room, and saw a figure huddled and crunched in a corner. Rachel had her head down, grabbing her knees, with her blonde hair all over her legs. Her body was shaking.

"Rachel," Miles called softly.

Rachel immediately froze and remained still. After a few seconds, she started crying again, without once lifting her head.

"Rach," Miles called again, trying to comfort her and using the same endearing term he used in the past. "I'm sorry," he continued. He reached out and caressed her cheek.

She slowly raised her head, and looked at him with a sad, tear-strained face. Something in Miles buckled, and his lips descended on Rachel's. The kiss was soft and gentle. Miles was about to move back when he felt Rachel return the kiss. He deepened the kiss and they held each other for what seemed an eternity. Slowly Rachel pushed him away.

"You have to stop," Rachel said quietly, looked at him, and paused, "I don't think I could say no, if you continue." "I will be faithful to Ben," she promised. "Please, Miles," she pleaded, "you have to let me go."

Miles just stared at her for a moment, then stood up and left the room. He knew he could not and should not hold on to Rachel any longer, and that it was time to speak to Bass.


	5. Chapter 5

"Miles?" Ben said in surprise when he saw his brother one day, four years after Rachel left them, while he was gathering herbs from the woods at Sylvania Estates. Miles was unshaven, scruffy looking and his eyes were dark and bloodshot.

"What are you doing here?" Ben continued asking, "And where's Rachel," was the next question.

With a hundred and one things going on in Miles' mind at that time, all he could say in respond was "Benjamin." Miles thought, "how do you start to explain and beg for forgiveness for the years of atrocities, hurt and pain that you had caused?"

"It's all my fault, my fault," Miles repeated. With deep sorrow in his voice, he continued, "I never meant for it to turn out as it did. I'm so sorry, so sorry….." his voice wavering.

"Miles, where is Rachel?" Ben kept asking.

"Rachel…" Miles started saying, but could not continue. "Rachel…" he tried again.

Again Ben asked, "where is Rachel, Miles?"

Finally, in no more than a whisper, Miles said, "she's gone, Ben. She's gone," and he started crying.

Ben just stared at his brother blankly for several minutes.

Miles guessed that when there was no word from Rachel so long after she left, Ben may have presumed the worst. Suddenly Miles felt something hit him hard, and he fell backwards. Ben's fist had made contact with his jaw. Miles spit some blood out, but did not attempt to protect himself or strike back. He felt he deserved all and more from Ben.

Ben, who never once laid a hand on Miles, even when he more than deserved it so many times before. And Ben, who would not have hurt a fly and had loved his brother to bits, had just punched Miles. Ben then fell to the ground, burying his face in his hands. It felt like an eternity before Ben looked up at Miles again.

All this time, Miles just looked at his brother without uttering a word.

"You were supposed to look after her, protect her, keep her safe," Ben cried. "She is family, Miles." "I loved her so much, so much…." Ben's voice disappeared to a mere whisper.

"I know," Miles responded. "I loved her, too," Miles said quietly.

"Ha!" Ben shouted, "what do you know of love?" "Everywhere you go, you just create pain and destruction," Ben yelled. "She is family, Miles, family!"

Miles just remained silent, knowing that everything Ben was saying was true. He deserved every hateful word Ben threw at him. But after a few minutes, when Ben had calmed down a bit, he instead apologized to his brother for punching and hurting him.

"What happened, Miles?" Ben asked. "At least tell me what happened to Rachel," he implored.

Miles heaved a heavy sigh. "Bass has changed. He has become irrational, merciless, a power-monger. There was an explosion, a huge fire. Bass had something to do with it. There was almost nothing left. Everything was charred," Miles tried to explain. "I saw her body, Ben, and blood, so much blood."

"Maybe it was not her," Ben said, pretending and hoping that Rachel had escaped. "Like you said everything was charred and unrecognizable."

"Ben, she was in the same dress she wore that morning," Miles stated. "And she still had this on," he said, fumbling his pocket. Miles pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to Ben. Ben stared at Miles open palm with a ring in it. It was Rachel's wedding ring. After Ben grabbed the ring from him, Miles felt that there was nothing else they could say to each other, turned and started walking away.

"Miles, wait," Ben called out. "Don't go back to the Militia."

Miles turned in surprise. After all that had happened there, how could Ben think that he could return to that way of life again. "I am not," Miles said. "I am done with the Militia, with the Monroe Republic, with Bass. I am done with it all."

"Then where are you going to?" Ben asked. "Stay here with us," Ben said before Miles could reply.

"Ben, I am a wanted criminal, traitor to the Monroe Republic. I have a bounty on my head. I tried to killed Bass. If they find me, they will kill me, and kill everyone around me," Miles explained. "Don't you think this is the first place they would look?" "I am already endangering you by being here," he said shaking his head. "I have to leave."

"Where would you go," Ben asked.

"I'm sure I can get lost somewhere in the city, Chicago," Miles replied.

"Miles, before you go, there is something you need to know, about Rachel," Ben started.

Miles looked up at his brother, and was about to say something, but decided not to.

Ben continued, "I may never see you again. And Rachel is now gone." Ben said.

Miles interrupted Ben, "Ben, if this is about you and Rachel, there is nothing you need to explain to me. I don't need to know. I was the f**ked up one. I did not deserve her. I never did." "Ben, you should know," Miles continued, "all these years at the Militia, Rachel was always faithful to you. I promise you we were. We never betrayed your trust."

"Thank you," Ben replied. "Thank you for telling me that. But I have something very important to tell you too," Ben again started to explain.

Miles then looked at his brother with a look of curiosity.

"Miles, you have to know that Rachel loved you, really loved you. After you left, she was in a mess. She had to take a leave of absence from work. She was in therapy for the longest time," Ben started to explain.

"Why are you telling me all of this, Ben? It doesn't matter anymore. It's all in the past. I know you were there for her, when I wasn't. So you two fell in love, and Rachel got the family she always wanted. I don't need to live through that pain again," Miles said.

"Miles, listen to me," Ben said, exasperated, "I was the only one Rachel could open up to. There was no one else close to her." "Miles," Ben said finally, "we got married because Rachel was pregnant." Ben paused for a second, "she was pregnant with your child!"

"Charlie?" was all Miles could say.

"Yes," Ben replied, "yes, Charlie is your daughter."

"Does she know?" Miles asked.

"Rachel and I had intended to tell her eventually, before all this happened, when she got older," Ben replied. "We had intended to tell you when Charlie turned one. But you never came to her birthday, then we decided it was not the right time," Ben explained further. After a pause, Ben continued, "maybe it is up to you to decide now."

"I am not her father, Ben, you are," Miles stated. "For all intent and purpose, you're Charlie's father," explaining further, "you were there at her birth, you were there to pick her up when she cried. You were there to change her diapers. There when she said her first words, took her first step. You are her father, Ben, not me." Then bitterly, Miles continued, "I just f**cked her mother, forced her mother to leave her, and got her mother killed." "It is better that she never knows me," Miles said finally.

After that, Miles and Ben parted ways and never saw each other again.


	6. Chapter 6

Still looking towards the woods where Rachel and Aaron had long disappeared into, Miles wondered to himself, "maybe I should have told you that I have known that Charlie was my daughter all along. You'd never known that Ben had told me. And it would be one less secret you need to carry with you." "But one thing led to another since I saw you, and the time had always not been right."

"I will look out for Charlie, Rachel," Miles promised. "I have always thought Charlie was better off without me, but maybe this is another thing I was wrong about. She has got under my skin, like you had. I could not have loved her any more being my daughter. To be honest, I don't love her because she is my daughter, or Ben's daughter. I love her because she is your daughter," Miles finally admitted to himself, "and every time I look at her, I see you." "Even if it kills me, I promise I will do this for you and for her."

"And when we are done with this nuke matter, I promise I am going to come after you. I will find you, Rachel," Miles swore to himself. "Please, just let me see you again."


End file.
